Let me start by saying that this whole project has been a challenge. The challenge being is that no one wants to talk about it. It is a topic that is just too hard for most people. When I wrote my memoir it was very important to me to be brutally honest with myself, no matter how hard it was to write, let alone read. But that is exactly what I did. Trying to get support for TEERZ has been a nightmare. Who wants to support something like this? Isn’t it better to just bury it, push it to the back of your mind? After all you can’t really see the scars that are buried deep with in me. People love to say it’s best to just leave it alone, to not talk about it because it is private. We are told to NOT talk about these things. If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all!
Let me get to the point since I hate dragging things out! Here is what is happening. I was excited that Teakwoods was supporting TEERZ. I was getting ready to print out all these cards and when you bring the card into Teakwoods, they would donate 15% of the sale to TEERZ. Teakwoods closed their doors with no notice. I guess that whole idea is done. That’s okay, I feel more sorry for all those employees that got screwed with no notice! Trying to get support from business’s is really tough. Most of these places have little money and are struggling themselves just to make it in business for another day. I understand.
Then I get a phone call from a lady that I interviewed a while back saying she wanted me to remove her from the trailer I produced. Why? My guess is DENIAL. She was reminded of her pain and wanted it to just go away. It never goes away, this pain. The point is to help others and when someone tells their story you just never know who it will help, even if it is yourself. This woman kept saying that she was “called” a bad mother, she repeated it over and over. She also said she wasn’t a bad mother, but in the same breath said she was a drug addict while her child was growing up. I personally feel that we often shift the blame and we neglect to own our own behavior. It is so easy to put it on someone else. TEERZ is not just about people who are mentally abused, it’s also about the ones who do the abusing and that my friends is a hard one. Who really wants to put themselves on camera and own that? Who am I to tell people to share their stories? I shared mine, that was my choice, many people appreciated it and others were really upset that I would talk so openly about the way I have lived my life, and even more upset on how I felt about certain things. So, on to the next thing.
My brother was really upset that I wrote in my memoir about a visit I had with his wife and daughter. I guess he read my book, but I never would have know if I didn’t approach him on something. For him, he was going to just ignore me. I asked him why he didn’t just call and ask me about it. He never answered me. What he did say (through email) is do you regret what you said, YES OR NO. I already knew if I said NO then our relationship (lack of) would be done and if I said yes and begged for forgiveness then all would be right in the world. My answer was NO, I have no regrets for what I said it was what happened! It was how I felt and still feel! Why should I deny that? Why should I just tell him what he wants to hear so we can go on pretending? Pretending is what we do, we pretend to get along, we pretend we like someone, we pretend to be happy because no on wants to know how you REALLY feel!
The main thing for me and TEERZ is to speak out! To let other people know they can talk about it, and someone will be listening. I have heard so many amazing stories and yet no one really wants to come forward and put it on camera. So, where am I at with the documentary? I still don’t know. A part of me would like to carry on and another part wants to just let it go.
Maybe it is time to let it go. What difference in truth does any of it make anyway?
