I Can’t Sleep

I love this picture, mainly because it reminds me of me. Not so much these days but that is the point of my blog. I thought it was time for me to tell a personal story. This is a story about when I lived in Sedona Arizona, very small town with all it’s small town drama.  All was good until I decided to speak my mind!

I received an email from events by showstoppers ( I have no problem saying the name of the company, what’s the point of speaking up if I can’t expose the parties involved?) At first they liked me (or so it appeared) they sent me a CC so they could show me that they had given me a referral. I read the referral that they had sent out to a perspective bride (who never did call) In the letter it said that we were highly recommended, that we were very popular. I suppose you don’t see anything disturbing about this? Here is what disturbed me. The word “POPULAR”, this is a word that I use to struggle with in high school,”I’m not popular, no one likes me, everyone is judging me, on and on” but I’m not in high school anymore, I am a grown woman. A grown woman running her own business that depends on bookings because I am good at what I do. What is being popular? Isn’t that fitting in, saying all the right things, doing what everyone else is doing? Pretty? Happy? Cool? Whatever that word means, I’m pretty sure it was never me.

If I see/hear/feel something that is just plain wrong, I will speak up. I haven’t always been like this.There was a long time when I did everything to fit in, to get along and to let the world walk all over me. It was easier, and it was fake! Something I just can’t do any longer, no matter the price!

Once I started to understand how this group was monopolizing the Sedona wedding market I decided it was time to make a stand!

This is how I felt! I was so hurt, so crushed that after doing great business for 10 years that this was happening because they didn’t like me. Because I stood up to them! I won’t get into the details because it isn’t pretty and in truth it doesn’t even matter. the whole point of TEERZ is to open up and let it out, to talk.  I just wanted to talk about how it felt to be blackballed for standing up to something that mattered! I wanted to talk about how this effected me emotionally, mentally, how I cried every night and questioned myself daily. How one by one people that once loved my work no longer cared about the quality of my work but cared more about the fact that I was no longer “popular”.

How does this stuff happen? It happens all the time when greed is involved, when ego is the ruler. Why do we allow people to trample all over us and when do we have the balls to stand up, not only for ourselves, but for others! Eventually I knew we had to leave. And yes, I even struggled with leaving. Thinking that I was giving up and running away. But I wasn’t. I just came to realize that I can’t make people see if they choose not to see. I can’t make people take a look at it and talk about it and I surly can’t change people that are ego driven. I can only change me and that is what I did. I removed myself and man did that feel good!

It really does feel good to let it out! We all have our stories, that is for sure!

Vino 125 Raffle

TEERZ Vino 125 raffle – proceeds going to the Verde Valley Sanctuary “bringing awareness to mental and verbal abuse.” The drawing will be on May 5th, the location is still undetermined. The winner does not have to be present to win! Tickets are $5 for one and $25 for six! You can order your tickets right here under the tab “how can you help”

You and Me

THIS IS A POEM I FOUND ON-LINE

the world knows a different you
you tell them i’m crazy and they believe it too
why shouldn’t they – you’re so gentle and kind
they don’t know what goes on in your mind.

if i told them that there is a different you
a person they would loathe if only they knew
they’d probably think that i was to blame
and i’d only be putting myself to shame

cos emotional abuse leaves no scars they can see
you are not breaking bones – you are breaking me
you trample the core of my being – deep inside
taken away my dignity, my respect and my pride.

i can’t wait for your leaving in the morning
and dread your return at night
being around you makes me edgy
just waiting for the next fight

what will i be ?- a slut or a bitch?
useless and ugly and an evil witch?
or will it be i’m just a cheap whore
someone nobody loves anymore?

or will you ask me what i did with my day
and then not listen to what i say
waiting to accuse me of lies and deceit
saying i slept with every man on our street

will you throw out the meal i prepared for you
find fault with every single thing that i do
will you punch me with words so hard that i cower
all in an effort to gain control and power.

or will you resort to threats of violence and death
i wish i could tell you to just hold your breath………..

cos you cannot kill someone who no longer exists
who died a slow death caused by words and not fists.

its always the same ending after a fight
you expect me to make love all through the night
when all i want is to be left alone and in peace
in a happy place where the hurting can cease

in this dysfunctional relationship that you call love
you torture me daily without a push or a shove
but the hurt cuts deeper than gashes and bruises could
and my heart bleeds more than my body ever would.

for time will never heal the scars that i bear
i just bury them deeper year after year
and change to who you want me to be
it makes it far easier than me being me

Laura du Toit – 2009

Sharing A Story

I am dealing with a husband of 42 years who is mentally and verbally abusive to me. He has not spoken to me for six weeks. I’m not sure what I did!! He says I do not want to do things with him. I am afraid of him and his angry outbursts. He has been on Celexa for six years and I know when he does not take it. I can see it in his face and I know I’ll be up for some hard times with him. I have been making excuses for him for years but this time I just do not know what to do. He can be degrading to me in social situations making a joke at my expense and I just sit there and smile. Most of the time he is a very angry, agitated and miserable. What’s funny everyone loves him. He is a different person with me. Another thing, he keeps emailing my girl friends dirty emails(jokes)and they make comments to me. My friend wrote him back and said get a job! Two years ago he had a affair with his fathers Hospice nurse. I found out from his cell phone records. They were calling and messaging each other several times a day for nine months. He would leave in the morning and not return till the afternoon. He would not tell me where they met! After I found out, he did ended it. Anyway, I am away with my daughter for several weeks wondering if he is going to call and brake this silence. My daughters say I am a fool for putting up with this but I just do not want to be alone!

A Definition Of Verbal Abuse

a definition of verbal abuse

- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

- You “walk on eggshells” in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the centre of attention;

- Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm

Verbal Abuse

The well-worn chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is just not true. As Dr. Grace Kettering writes in her book Verbal Abuse, “Cruel names and labels can hurt us — dreadfully! Many times the emotional damage is unintentional. Crippling comments may seem so trivial to the speaker as to be soon forgotten. But at a crucial moment or from an important person, certain words spoken to a vulnerable, receptive individual can make or break a life.”

Verbal abuse takes on many forms including criticizing, insulting, degrading, harsh scolding, name-calling, nagging, threatening, ridiculing, belittling, trivializing, screaming, ranting, racial slurring and using crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.

Hurling hurtful words at another may sound like: “You’re a nag just like your parents!” “You don’t know how to do anything right.” “It’s your fault!” “You’re too sensitive.” “Come on, can’t you take a joke?” “That outfit makes you look fat.” “You’re worthless in bed.” “Who asked you?” “You don’t need that second helping.” “All you do anymore is go to church stuff.” “Your ex sure screwed you up emotionally.” Verbal abuse can happen anywhere, at any time. Individuals who are teased and pressured at work or school may in turn take out their pent-up frustrations at home. “Kicking the dog” is not enough; instead, they verbally attack their spouse, children, parents, close friends — no loved one is safe.

Wounds that typically accompany emotional, physical and sexual abuse must not be ignored. Both men and women inflict verbal abuse, but women tend to be more often on the receiving end of this destructive behavior. What may seem innocent and infrequent at first can escalate. Verbal abuse frequently plays a major role in violent crimes. According to a 1998 U.S. Justice Department report on violent crimes, women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.4

All forms of abuse follow a pattern that, left unchecked, will only increase over time. Injuries from verbal and emotional abuse can run deep and leave lasting scars. Many emotionally and verbally abused people reason that, because there are no bruises or broken bones, their abuse must not be serious. But it is. Fortunately, support and resources are readily available to guide individuals into safe, loving relationships. In their well-received book Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that, “Our pain motivates us to act.” If pain motivates you to act against emotional and verbal abuse, then listen and act. You may be saving more than your life.