Let me start by saying that this whole project has been a challenge. The challenge being is that no one wants to talk about it. It is a topic that is just too hard for most people. When I wrote my memoir it was very important to me to be brutally honest with myself, no matter how hard it was to write, let alone read. But that is exactly what I did. Trying to get support for TEERZ has been a nightmare. Who wants to support something like this? Isn’t it better to just bury it, push it to the back of your mind? After all you can’t really see the scars that are buried deep with in me. People love to say it’s best to just leave it alone, to not talk about it because it is private. We are told to NOT talk about these things. If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all!

Let me get to the point since I hate dragging things out! Here is what is happening. I was excited that Teakwoods was supporting TEERZ. I was getting ready to print out all these cards and when you bring the card into Teakwoods, they would donate 15% of the sale to TEERZ. Teakwoods closed their doors with no notice. I guess that whole idea is done. That’s okay, I feel more sorry for all those employees that got screwed with no notice! Trying to get support from business’s is really tough. Most of these places have little money and are struggling themselves just to make it in business for another day. I understand.

Then I get a phone call from a lady that I interviewed a while back saying she wanted me to remove her from the trailer I produced. Why? My guess is DENIAL. She was reminded of her pain and wanted it to just go away. It never goes away, this pain. The point is to help others and when someone tells their story you just never know who it will help, even if it is yourself. This woman kept saying that she was “called” a bad mother, she repeated it over and over. She also said she wasn’t a bad mother, but in the same breath said she was a drug addict while her child was growing up. I personally feel that we  often shift the blame and we neglect to own our own behavior. It is so easy to put it on someone else. TEERZ is not just about people who are mentally abused, it’s also about the ones who do the abusing and that my friends is a hard one. Who really wants to put themselves on camera and own that? Who am I to tell people to share their stories? I shared mine, that was my choice, many people appreciated it and others were really upset that I would talk so openly about the way I have lived my life, and even more upset on how I felt about certain things. So, on to the next thing.

My brother was really upset that I wrote in my memoir about a visit I had with his wife and daughter. I guess he read my book, but I never would have know if I didn’t approach him on something. For him, he was going to just ignore me. I asked him why he didn’t just call and ask me about it. He never answered me. What he did  say (through email) is do you regret what you said, YES OR NO. I already knew if I said NO then our relationship (lack of) would be done and if I said yes and begged for forgiveness then all would be right in the world. My answer was NO, I have no regrets for what I said it was what happened! It was how I felt and still feel! Why should I deny that? Why should I just tell him what he wants to hear so we can go on pretending? Pretending is what we do, we pretend to get along, we pretend we like someone, we pretend to be happy because no on wants to know how you REALLY feel!

The main thing for me and TEERZ is to speak out! To let other people know they can talk about it, and someone will be listening. I have heard so many amazing stories and yet no one really wants to come forward and put it on camera. So, where am I at with the documentary? I still don’t know. A part of me would like to carry on and another part wants to just let it go.

Maybe it is time to let it go. What difference in truth does any of it make anyway?

We will be distributing these cards as well. Our goal is to bring new customers into Teakwoods and when they discover this great new hangout they are also supporting our cause. We plan to have a get together at Teakwoods after a few months of distribution of the cards. The get together will be a way to learn more about what we are doing. We will also be raffling off some great prizes and selling tickets for the Scooter. Stay in the loop with what we have going on by following my blog.

I love this picture, mainly because it reminds me of me. Not so much these days but that is the point of my blog. I thought it was time for me to tell a personal story. This is a story about when I lived in Sedona Arizona, very small town with all it’s small town drama.  All was good until I decided to speak my mind!

I received an email from events by showstoppers ( I have no problem saying the name of the company, what’s the point of speaking up if I can’t expose the parties involved?) At first they liked me (or so it appeared) they sent me a CC so they could show me that they had given me a referral. I read the referral that they had sent out to a perspective bride (who never did call) In the letter it said that we were highly recommended, that we were very popular. I suppose you don’t see anything disturbing about this? Here is what disturbed me. The word “POPULAR”, this is a word that I use to struggle with in high school,”I’m not popular, no one likes me, everyone is judging me, on and on” but I’m not in high school anymore, I am a grown woman. A grown woman running her own business that depends on bookings because I am good at what I do. What is being popular? Isn’t that fitting in, saying all the right things, doing what everyone else is doing? Pretty? Happy? Cool? Whatever that word means, I’m pretty sure it was never me.

If I see/hear/feel something that is just plain wrong, I will speak up. I haven’t always been like this.There was a long time when I did everything to fit in, to get along and to let the world walk all over me. It was easier, and it was fake! Something I just can’t do any longer, no matter the price!

Once I started to understand how this group was monopolizing the Sedona wedding market I decided it was time to make a stand!

This is how I felt! I was so hurt, so crushed that after doing great business for 10 years that this was happening because they didn’t like me. Because I stood up to them! I won’t get into the details because it isn’t pretty and in truth it doesn’t even matter. the whole point of TEERZ is to open up and let it out, to talk.  I just wanted to talk about how it felt to be blackballed for standing up to something that mattered! I wanted to talk about how this effected me emotionally, mentally, how I cried every night and questioned myself daily. How one by one people that once loved my work no longer cared about the quality of my work but cared more about the fact that I was no longer “popular”.

How does this stuff happen? It happens all the time when greed is involved, when ego is the ruler. Why do we allow people to trample all over us and when do we have the balls to stand up, not only for ourselves, but for others! Eventually I knew we had to leave. And yes, I even struggled with leaving. Thinking that I was giving up and running away. But I wasn’t. I just came to realize that I can’t make people see if they choose not to see. I can’t make people take a look at it and talk about it and I surly can’t change people that are ego driven. I can only change me and that is what I did. I removed myself and man did that feel good!

It really does feel good to let it out! We all have our stories, that is for sure!

the world knows a different you
you tell them i’m crazy and they believe it too
why shouldn’t they – you’re so gentle and kind
they don’t know what goes on in your mind.

if i told them that there is a different you
a person they would loathe if only they knew
they’d probably think that i was to blame
and i’d only be putting myself to shame

cos emotional abuse leaves no scars they can see
you are not breaking bones – you are breaking me
you trample the core of my being – deep inside
taken away my dignity, my respect and my pride.

i can’t wait for your leaving in the morning
and dread your return at night
being around you makes me edgy
just waiting for the next fight

what will i be ?- a slut or a bitch?
useless and ugly and an evil witch?
or will it be i’m just a cheap whore
someone nobody loves anymore?

or will you ask me what i did with my day
and then not listen to what i say
waiting to accuse me of lies and deceit
saying i slept with every man on our street

will you throw out the meal i prepared for you
find fault with every single thing that i do
will you punch me with words so hard that i cower
all in an effort to gain control and power.

or will you resort to threats of violence and death
i wish i could tell you to just hold your breath………..

cos you cannot kill someone who no longer exists
who died a slow death caused by words and not fists.

its always the same ending after a fight
you expect me to make love all through the night
when all i want is to be left alone and in peace
in a happy place where the hurting can cease

in this dysfunctional relationship that you call love
you torture me daily without a push or a shove
but the hurt cuts deeper than gashes and bruises could
and my heart bleeds more than my body ever would.

for time will never heal the scars that i bear
i just bury them deeper year after year
and change to who you want me to be
it makes it far easier than me being me

Laura du Toit – 2009

- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

- You “walk on eggshells” in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the centre of attention;

- Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm

Verbal abuse takes on many forms including criticizing, insulting, degrading, harsh scolding, name-calling, nagging, threatening, ridiculing, belittling, trivializing, screaming, ranting, racial slurring and using crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.

Hurling hurtful words at another may sound like: “You’re a nag just like your parents!” “You don’t know how to do anything right.” “It’s your fault!” “You’re too sensitive.” “Come on, can’t you take a joke?” “That outfit makes you look fat.” “You’re worthless in bed.” “Who asked you?” “You don’t need that second helping.” “All you do anymore is go to church stuff.” “Your ex sure screwed you up emotionally.” Verbal abuse can happen anywhere, at any time. Individuals who are teased and pressured at work or school may in turn take out their pent-up frustrations at home. “Kicking the dog” is not enough; instead, they verbally attack their spouse, children, parents, close friends — no loved one is safe.

Wounds that typically accompany emotional, physical and sexual abuse must not be ignored. Both men and women inflict verbal abuse, but women tend to be more often on the receiving end of this destructive behavior. What may seem innocent and infrequent at first can escalate. Verbal abuse frequently plays a major role in violent crimes. According to a 1998 U.S. Justice Department report on violent crimes, women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.4

All forms of abuse follow a pattern that, left unchecked, will only increase over time. Injuries from verbal and emotional abuse can run deep and leave lasting scars. Many emotionally and verbally abused people reason that, because there are no bruises or broken bones, their abuse must not be serious. But it is. Fortunately, support and resources are readily available to guide individuals into safe, loving relationships. In their well-received book Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that, “Our pain motivates us to act.” If pain motivates you to act against emotional and verbal abuse, then listen and act. You may be saving more than your life.